False Friends

I continue to feel so alone. I am sitting in this grand lounge in my residence hall, the only noise the soft hum of the lights and air conditioner. Classes are done, I just have one paper and four finalsbetween me and my summer. Well... That and 3000 miles. But what is the difference. In a little more than a week I will be back home, back to all the comforts and privacy I grew up with.

I really want to get home, despite knowing there are few real friends back home. But as I sit and think now, there really aren't that many friends here either. I mean, there are people I eat dinner with and go party with... But really? How many of them am I going to truely miss?

My life is full of aquantances, that is what makes me the most sad. I am even cynical enough to say that they have friended me to abuse my friendliness or generisity or power. I want friends, I really do. I just don't know how to make any real ones or if it is even possible.

Will leaving to go back home after my first tear at college be hard? Absolutely. I have had some great times, but in all honesty that was because I was somebody... I had a position of power. I will miss the power, the perks and most of all making lots of people happy. Yes, I will do some missing... I am just not sure if I will be missing many people.

I continue to push the boundaries, and not in a good way.  Drinking is becoming more than just a social activity for me.  I am not quite sure what it is, a release, the taste of a fine wine, whatever it may be I doubt it is healthy.  At least I am not as gone as most people, but for me… yeah.  

Sorry, I don’t make much sense.  I guess it is just good for me to get this out.  If anyone ever did find these they could provide insight or give me a piece of advice… yet I believe these postings are doomed to remain buried deep in cyberspace.  

Anyways, how about an update on my love life? Or lack thereof?  Well... there have been no new relationships but there is this one girl who it seems everyone in the world has a crush on, including my roommate.  My future priest friend even thinks she is really attractive.  Can I pick them or what?  Anyways, I think it is fairly obvious to her that I like her, and my fellow roommate knows. 

I guess I will take this story back several weeks to a bar where we all were.  My crush was there and we were talking, no advances either way though.  Then my roomie comes in, hella drunk, and starts feeling her.  Not sure if she enjoyed it, but I was jealous and I knew that I could hookup with this cheerleader who was there with us.  I wanted to make my crush jealous.  The cheerleader and I ended up in bed making out and cuddling quite a bit.  Yeah… that evening went just like planned… 

It was just a onetime thing, and I really did need to get that lust out of my system, but now as I try to look at this girl who I like and would like to pursue a relationship with I find myself further and further away.  Sure, there are days when we seem close, but I am unsure if it actually is a relationship she wants, if we are on the same page.  I have my doubts and plenty of insecurities.  Maybe I will have another drink… if only I could find a friend to join me.  

Who Am I?

I don't know who I am anymore.  I came into college as a kid with morals, with standards, with past relationships and the hopes to have a decent college experience.  However, my primary focus was class, grades and the degree that was a key to wealth.  

I look at myself now, I can barely even recognize myself.  I feel lost, confused and I have no idea of the direction in which I want to go.  

For example, I just ran around my residence hall to see if I could find someone to go to a local bar with me so I could meet up with some of my upperclassmen friends involved in student government.  Honestly, would I sell my morals for popularity, for the opportunity to become someone in my new school when I started the year?  Would I have run around on a school night asking for a bar buddy?  I know I wouldn't, not in September.  But September has come and gone.  

I thought I was going to be strong coming into this.  No matter what other people did I would dance to my own rhythm.  After all, college for me was necessary for a high paying job.  But something changed.  I got caught up in the vanity of popularity.  I got caught up in the late nights, the flirtation with hot girls and the promiscuous activities and appearances that were necessary to be "popular."  I am not sure if I want to continue down this path.  I feel that while I have forged some relations with popular kids who can take me places or back me in an election, I also feel that I have deserted and left behind the friends I grew so close to the first semester.  I feel like I have lost the friends I truely cared about.  I feel alone.  

((Sorry it has been so long since I posted last, I will try to update more reguarly.)